


hold my hand (and never let me go)

by traintospain



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: M/M, bangtan meets pd101, i didnt really go through for errors and typos so bear with them all lmao, i love vkook to death, i'm still salty jonghyun didnt make the cut btw, justice league y'all, minus minhyun tho AHAHA, taehyung is lowkey cute here lmao, this is such a crackship i'm wheezing, vkook is the cutest tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:30:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traintospain/pseuds/traintospain
Summary: taehyung meets jonghyun on the morning train and little does he know soon, that one little encounter turns into something special that changes taehyung’s life.a new life with kim jonghyun.





	1. Chapter 1

_my soul. < 3_

i heave a silent sigh as i scan the couple selfie she has just posted on her twitter like half an hour ago along with that caption. in all honesty, i should have seen this coming. she hasn’t been replying to all those messages i sent over these past few weeks because she’s busy with the guy in her loving arms in the selfie, which i assume her boyfriend. he’s kind of good looking and has that looks where girls would die for, if you ask me—i mean, that’s not important, but i just can’t stop myself from thinking about that.

 _minah_. i kind of knew it was too good to be true. maybe i’m not good enough for her, maybe i’m too lame to even be close to her type or _just_ maybe i’m just a boring guy that no one gives a shit about. i thought those few dates meant something special that could slowly bring us to something more than just having heart-fluttering dates and deep conversations—more than being just friends. i wasn’t thinking much. i was being a fool without i even realized it. a fool for her? heh, you bet.

the sudden announcement that the train has just left the previous station breaks me out of my reverie. i bob my head up and glance around aimlessly to drink in the sight of people doing their own stuff while waiting to get off their destination. most of them are focused with their cellphones, dozing off and reading the paper. i’d say that it’s a normal sight I witness every morning, though most of the time i don’t care about them.

deciding to unfollow her after much consideration (and possibly block her as well because why not?), i press my lips together into a thin line before doing that. i don’t think i’d have solid reasons to still keep myself updated about her personal life. i mean, why would i? she’s obviously happy with her boyfriend and i’m letting her stay that way. i’m still feeling a little bit salty, but ugh, fuck feelings.

“hey, you okay there?”

i turn to the concerned voice, which apparently belongs to a guy sitting next to me. “uhm, excuse me?”

he laughs. “i was asking..” he suddenly stops and looks at me intently as if there’s something on my face. our eyes meet briefly, but i quickly brush my cheeks off in case there’s really something stuck on my face.

“hey, worry not,” he says, still with that playful laugh. i seriously would have smacked that laugh off his face if he was my friend. “you look.. just perfect.”

“then why were you looking at me like you were going to eat me or something?”

“sorry if you find that offensive. i had no idea. it just happened and it wasn’t a bad sight either, so i figured why not keep looking at you?” he says, sounding like he’s asking me a question before the sides of his lips curving into a gorgeous grin.

i roll my eyes. “that was a wee bit suspicious, but okay.”

he shakes his head and sighs, flashing a look of worry. “anyway, are you okay?”

oh, yes. about that! i forgot about what he has asked me earlier. i guess i was kind of distracted by his absurdly addictive laugh (and the fact that he’s kind of cute, too). i’m not gay, by the way. i just had my heart broken by that dementor’s bitch. i’m totally straight. and yes, i just named that, too.

“what do you mean?” i ask, my brow furrowing in confusion.  

“i don’t know. you look like you’ve got some stuff going on in your head, you know?” the latter murmurs. “like maybe, you’re late to work or you forgot to feed your pup because you were so rushing or you just broke up with your girlfriend last night and it’s been eating you up. and yes, you feel like you’re gonna jump off the building once you get off the train!”

“are you a writer or something?” i end up laughing because it’s just so hilarious like, how on earth could he come up with conclusions in the span of ten seconds?

“why?”

“cause you’re funny,” i blurt out. “and imaginative.”

he shoots me another smile. “i’ll take as a compliment.”

“you’re welcome. anywaaaay, you’re wrong. i’m perfectly okay.” i don’t think there’s a need to tell someone that i just talked not more than five minutes about my personal life. he’s a complete stranger. plus, it’s kind of complicated if i share it to him.

he’s giving me a _i-don’t-believe-you_ kind of look with his eyes squinting at me, but i’m ignoring it.

he’s about to say something though, but instead he gets up from his seat upon the announcement. the train’s nearing his station, i suppose.

“whatever it is, i really hope you’re fine.” the apprehensive tone in his words sends an alarming twinge into the pit of my stomach, but i choose to remain deadpan.  “be at peace. not in pieces, okay?”

he glances fleetingly at the doors opening behind him, a smile playing on his lips as he turns to me again. “and it was nice talking to you!”

and then he simply bolts through the doors.  

“weird.” i find myself saying that as i watch him walking towards the escalator. i wonder why he’s so concerned about me when we’re hardly in line of being friendly to each other. we’re not even friends. we simply met on the train today.

maybe that’s just his nature—that he’s friendly and all.

ugh, i don’t know and i don’t want to know.

///

i told jeongguk about the girl as we were getting ready to open the coffee shop. he got quite taken aback because he thought both of us would date one day, only to know that she’s dating someone now—but that person isn’t fucking me.

“is he handsome, by the way?” he asks curiously. his voice is so loud that i could still hear it from the back, though when the manager is around, he’d suddenly stop talking and go back to being a dedicated employee. it’s funny because it looks like jeongguk’s trying to suck up to him, but in reality he’s really not. he doesn’t care if he gets the sack. i mean, he wanted to work here in the first place because of me.

jeon jeongguk is like one of the close friends i have on my list. we’ve known each other since we were juniors in high school. just for the record, i’ve always tried to keep my circle small. i stink at making friends; i only have like three legit friends. jeongguk once said that i was an awkward potato and kudos to him for that nickname. i _really_ am an awkward potato. it takes time for me to be close with others. with jeongguk, it’s fine because we’re the best buddies since forever.

“well, he is,” i say, sweeping the floor along the aisle. “i mean, not that handsome. like, park seojoon kind of look.”

jeongguk raises a brow. “park seojoon is _very_ handsome, though.”

“well... i don’t know, then. he’s just handsome, i guess.”

he facepalms briefly before rolling his eyes at me. “you’re a total embarassment, tae. get out.”

“whatever. it’s not important anyway, ugly.” we’ve always joked like this, so both of us never take this personally. it’s cute, if you ask me. i mean, the whole friendship between me and jeongguk. i love him a lot, but don’t tell him that! he’s always there with me whenever i need him. no matter how hard things get for me, he doesn’t walk away—he’s always there with me. and i genuinely hope this will last forever even when it’s time for him to focus on other stuff like going back to university or dating a girl.

“but you know,” he says. “she’s an ass. yikes.”

“what do you mean, guk?”

“i mean, the least she could have done is to reply to you even though she’s dating someone now. that’s just so rude of her to leave you hanging like that.” he sighs deeply. “this is why i stopped dating. girls are so complicated to understand!”

“well, true... and you know like, i could’ve confronted her and been all extra, but then i figured that was so uncalled for.”

“don’t do that, tae,” jeongguk says, bursts into big laughter. “just be the bigger person, okay? soon she’ll realize what she did was dumb and she shouldn’t have ignored you.”

“and don’t worry. you’ll be fine.” he walks all the way to me just to give me a pat on the back. “you know, we could try to date each other!”

i snort loudly. “i’m not gay.”

“everyone has this stupidly gay side deep down and maybe you just haven’t found it yet?” jeongguk shoots me a playful wink and needless to say, a scream bursts through the premise as i literally give his face a punch in the friendliest way possible.  

///

late again, i murmur to myself while waiting for the train to arrive. i think this is the third time of this week that my shift ended late because my manager was such a pain in the ass. i don’t really like him, if you ask me. i mean, why does he always ask me to order me around to do stuff just when my shift is about to end? like, why not way before that? and why me? he could have asked others like jeongguk or eunha, but he always fucking asks me. does he have some sort of grudge towards me or something? i wonder.

ugh. it’s really annoying to the point i think i might just quit and dump his bossy, fat ass. but then again, there’s jeongguk. i can’t leave him working there alone and to be honest, i don’t want him to quit yet because trust me, i’m completely sure that once i’ve actually quit, he’ll do the same thing as well. i can’t let that happen. he’s become so comfortable with the crew and a lot of the regulars love his service.

the ringing alert of the approaching train gets me back to reality and i quickly get myself ready, lining up in order just behind an old, bespectacled man.

i take a brief scan through the window only to see that there aren’t many passengers inside, which i suppose that getting a seat would be pretty much easier.

the cold air tingles on my skin welcomingly as i step in and immediately start to wander along the coach, looking for an empty seat until my gaze fixates on a rather familiar-looking guy sitting and chatting enthusiastically with his clique on my left side, which has me frozen right on the spot.

that guy who probably has the most handsome smile in the world; who was concerned about my state when i was pretty much in a mess and the one who got me unconsciously thinking about him all the week because i don’t know. to be honest, he kind of gave me a decent impression when we met last week on the train, which i also kind of look forward to meeting him again.

but again, i never thought we would really bump into each other again like, today! i don’t even know who he is or what his name is, to begin with.

pulling myself together, i give my fingers a tight squeeze and let out a deep breath before walking past them in a calm manner. i glance sideways in which we happen to look at each other. he’s taken aback, probably more than i was just now.

i _secretly_ would like to go and ask him if he still remembers me, but that seems like a bold move. not only is he with his friends, but the slim chance of him not recognizing who i am kind of frustrates me so i erase the thought and settle on the next coach.

what a bummer, i sigh and lean against the seat and cast my eyes on him again, hoping he would look at me again, but it’s good to be true, i guess. he’s too busy with his three friends who all look kind of good-looking with that one guy with striking pink hair stands out the most of them. anyway, they are all looking good and i wonder if they’re from idol groups or like those famous dudes on instagram with tons of followers.

i tear my gaze away with a tiny groan and take out one of the book i picked up from jeongguk. i guess i’ll just distract myself by reading. i’m not much of a reader like he is, to be honest. i’d only read when i’m bored or if there are just books that steal my attention like the hunger games series. they were really great. i spent the whole week finishing the series.

“hey.”

i get a jolt of surprise by the mere touch on my shoulder in which i quickly turn around, only to see him suddenly approaching sitting next to me. what a surprise!

“h-hey.” i want to literally smack myself right now because i sound like a total idiot.

“i never thought i’d meet you here,” he says, grinning widely. “you still remember me, don’t you?”

“of course, i do.” i nod. “i thought you wouldn’t, though.”

“why wouldn’t i?” he stifles a laugh and crosses his arms over his chest. “for the record, i think i have exceptional memory.”

“get out,” i reply in a playful tone, palming my mouth as i laugh silently. his friends are staring at us with a glint of interest in their eyes and that kind of makes me flush.

“don’t want to.” the latter fakes a frown. “still want to talk to you.”

“okay okay.” i sigh and takes a few seconds to study his features. his cheekbones are so on point when he’s smiling. this is so cute, i tell myself. “anyway, how are you?”

“kind of tired, to be honest,” he says. “we just had hours of practice.”

“what kind of practice?”

“dance.”

“oh, you dance? i didn’t know.” that isn’t supposed to be like a question, but i kind of doubt if someone like him actually dances.

“hey.” he raises his finger to lightly poke my nose and i squint at him playfully. “i think i’m a good dancer.” he pulls away and fiddles with his jogger pants.

“so.. is that what you do every day? like, a job..?”

“no, not really. i mean, i write too.”

i’m itching to dig more about him, but that’s so uncalled for. it doesn’t look nice if i get overexcited, right? what if he gets uncomfortable or something later on? ugh. “i see..”

he cocks a brow questioningly. “what about you? it seems like you’ve had a tough day.”

“kinda... like, i hate my manager so much.” then i begin to ramble about how shitty his personality is and how much i wish to resign, but there are things that hold me back. “sorry i talked a lot. i just needed someone to rant to.”

“it’s totally fine.” he laughs. “i mean, i’m glad you kind of opened up to me rather than said nothing like the other day. but,” he trails off, his attentive eyes on me. “it’s nothing to worry about. you’re not entitled to tell me stuff since we’re not friends.”

my throat tightens at the thought. “oh.. right.”

he lets out a chuckle and glances at his friends. “i’ve got to go now.”

“really?” i say, a little bit sad actually. “where?”

“to my friends over there!” he remarks. “by the way, what’s your name? i believe we haven’t introduced ourselves, have we?”

“right. we haven’t,” i say with a simper. “kim taehyung.”

“that’s a beautiful name.”

“it’s not.”

“it is!”

“jesus, whatever.” i roll my eyes to which he bursts into big laughter. i can’t help but join into the rhythm as well because it’s a beautiful sight and it tickles my heart. now that i think of it, i feel somewhat less stressed out just by basking in his attractive voice and contagious laugh. he’s really something, isn’t he?

“will you give me your number?” he asks.

“why?”

“cause i want to talk to you again.”

“oh, i thought you wanted to flirt or something.”

“why not? he chuckles and tucks his phone out of his pocket. “you’re cute.”

my cheeks feel warm and i hate this feeling of being embarrassed. “i’m not a girl, though.”

“boys are cute too, if you ask me,” he says calmly and urges me to put my number in his phone.

i sigh, take his phone and insert my number, wondering if he just indirectly said that he’s interested in boys as well. not that it bothers me, but i don’t know. ugh, i guess i’m just curious.

“done.” i return his phone with a thin smile curving on my lips.

“i’ll call you, okay?”

i flash him a nod. “sure.”

“that’s great,” he mumbles under his breath as he stares down at the screen, saving my number to a name i can barely see what it is.

he gets to his feet, grinning at me handsomely. “i’m jonghyun, by the way,” he says. “kim jonghyun.”

 _jonghyun_. i watch him turn his back against me and leave the coach.

///

_what r ur fav genres for movies?_

just when i thought things would stop between jonghyun and i after a single call, it actually spawned into endless texts and emotional late night calls. it’s only been a week of us knowing each other, but somehow i feel like we’ve known each other for the longest time i can remember.

_y r u curious??_

a small chuckle rolls out of my lips as i lean comfortably against the seat and gaze around the standing crowd before i look back at the screen, looking forward to his reply. it’s seven o’clock in the evening and i could’ve felt like a corpse with my shift earlier that didn’t end quite well, but i don’t because i’m having fun talking to jonghyun. like, every time. for the record, sometimes he texts me just when i’m on my way home, as if he knows that i feel so tired and need him to keep me awake.  

_i just wanna know!!! :(_

_jesus,, i think i like animated movies. and also, romance!_

_aw, i see. okok got it!!_

_why tho,, , like, what do u have in mind?_

_yknow, just for future’s reference. dont mind me, tae._

i sigh and slip my phone back into my pocket. i don’t know what he has in mind, but i hope it’s not going to be such a thing where one day i come back to see tons of movies laid in front of my door. but of course that just doesn’t make sense. first, why would he want to do that? second, he doesn’t even know where i stay. yet.

if you’re wondering, i’m staying at an officetel building just nearby the subway station i always go back and forth to my workplace. it’s just a small apartment that fits a single person like everything is so cute and small. i’ve been living on my own for almost a year and i’m actually very grateful that my parents allowed me to get away from daegu in the first place and move to seoul so that i could work and do stuff i can’t in daegu. i guess they reckoned that being twenty-three means that you’re eligible enough to be dependent and not rely on them for allowance? it may be true, but i honestly don’t know because either way, i’m happy enough to move freely on my own.

jeongguk would come over for a day or two once in a blue moon when he gets a beating from his dad or when he feels like ranting about stupid stuff to me all day night. thank god mine has never actually laid a hand on me because if he ever did, i don’t think i could tolerate it. two things that i despise to receive from them are beatings and babbles. they are very much self-explanatory, by the way.

_hey, u arrived already?_

i was actually getting off the train when i received his text. it doesn’t come as a surprise since i told him that i was on the train earlier. i type a speedy reply and exit the machine after having punched my card.

_just did!!!_

_good cause i’m at the entrance. come over here real quick!_

what? i blink in surprise. what is this? he’s at the entrance... as in this station’s? okay, this sounds weird, but i don’t think he’s joking. i mean, he sounded serious and all, but why would he be waiting for me here?

despite all those questions dawning on me, i quicken my footsteps and find him in a flashy, red sedan right in front of the station just before i could ask him where he’s at. i thought he was waiting for me outside, looking all around for my presence.  

there’s a lump forming in my throat as our eyes meet. he raises his hand and waves at me, beckoning me into the car along with that handsome smile i’ve always wished to rub it off his face.

i nervously swallow it before i let out a desolated groan and make my way towards his car. it’s not that i’m shaking because i don’t want to meet him or feel like this is too sudden, but i’m just taken aback. we haven’t actually met since that day on the train—not even once. we’ve only been talking on the line so to say that i’m not prepared to meet him is simply not enough.

i manage a smile through the window and open the door, only to squirm as i settle into the passenger’s seat. “hi,” i say as i look at him, sounding a tad squeaky. “and uhm, this is so surprising..”

“really?” jonghyun laughs before a look of apology sweeps over his defined features. “sorry if this is too sudden.. without telling you first. but i don’t know. i guess it’s time to finally meet you again because i really want to meet you.”

i sink into the seat, feeling myself smaller next to him. “i see... but it’s cool. i mean, it’s fine. i don’t really mind.” stop lying, kim taehyung! “anyway... what’s up? i didn’t know you had a car, by the way!”

“well, i do. i prefer to use subway because traffic and stuff, you know?” he licks the left corner of his left tier, leaving me blink at the sight. “i was bored the whole day because no practice and no mood to write so i thought why not go out for a drive with you? so yeah.. i guess that’s it.”

“aw, i see.” i let out a relaxed chuckle, massaging my nape. “so where are we going?”

jonghyun puckers his lips in deep thought. “are you hungry? should we go somewhere to eat?”

“not really.”

“then are you tired? i’m so sorry.. like i know you might be feeling exhausted because you just finished your work..”

“no, it’s fine. it’s totally fine,” i say. “i’m not that tired, so worry not.”

jonghyun sighs in content and smiles at me. “well, if you say so.” he asks me to put on the seatbelt before he starts to drive away from the station, heading to someplace which he’s yet to tell me.

“by the way, make yourself comfortable.” he chuckles and turns on the stereo. as if on cue, ed sheeran’s perfect blasts through the speakers, which i feel relieved because it serves as another medium of communication. you know, when jonghyun is quiet and so am i, it wouldn’t feel awkward and silent because the radio comes in handy.

“already am.”

“really?” he glances at me shortly, his lines of pearly white teeth showing proudly. “that’s great because i want you to..”

“to what?” i cock a brow at him.

“uh.. to feel comfortable around me..?”

“heeeeey, it’s not like this is the first time we’ve ever met. i mean, if you put those two meetings on the train aside, we’ve pretty much talked a lot on the phone so yeah.. it’s not awkward.”

suddenly there’s like a fleeting glint in jonghyun’s eyes and his lips curve yet again into a genuine grin. our gazes overlap again and i take seconds to bask in the sight, his coffee orbs soft as a baby’s and cheekbones sharp.

i only turn to the other side when he has to focus on the driving, my fingers clutching onto the fabric of my shirt as it’s beating fast. even though it stopped earlier, jonghyun’s handsome smile hasn’t left my mind. he stays there—because i’m letting him to.

for the first time in my life, i find the genuine beauty in another man. i’m not sure whether this is a good thing. however, i honestly feel that i’ve got a little too fucked up. like the whole set of my bones are so going to melt.

kim jonghyun, who the hell are you?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didnt REALLY GO THROUGH THIS CHAPTER IM SORRY I JUST HAD TO GET THIS POSTED ASAP RIP

jonghyun stops by a fast food restaurant that provides drive-thru after fifteen minutes of driving. this whole thing is like a new experience to me so i watch him order with so much interest. it’s really cool because i actually had no idea this drive-thru stuff existed.

after waiting for a couple of minutes and once the food’s eventually safely delivered, jonghyun thanks them and drives out of the premise.

i blink as i tear the paper bag open, thoroughly confused. there’s only a wrapped cheese burger, a large cup of coke and a box of seasoned french fries.

“why only a set?”

“well, sharing is caring, right?” he says to which my cheeks flush. okay, that’s an unexpected answer, but acceptable in a way, i guess? in the midst of his soft hums rolling out of his lips and me trying to digest the situation, he extends his arm from the steering wheel only to fumble at the food.

“what’re you doing?”

“i’m hungry,” jonghyun answers, almost like a whine.

i chuckle. “look, i’ll help you, okay?” i tug his arm away and take one of the pieces. they’re still warm. that’s good because fries are better to be munched when they’re still warm.

he bites at the end of the fries and i quickly retract my hand, not knowing what i’ll do if he accidentally nips my finger. off the top of my head, that’s, uhm, kind of gay too.

“you’re making it better.” he glances at me, beaming. “the fries, i mean.”

my heart does a little jump and i giggle happily. “shush, focus on your driving!”

he frowns. “tch, i was going to compliment you more.”

i shake my head and grins back at him. “where are we headed?”

“you’ll see it soon,” jonghyun says tersely. “but i can promise you that it’s going to be pretty.”

i shrug, not knowing what to answer to that. “i believe this is like your style when going on a date.” i clear my throat. “i’m not saying this is a date, though.”

“no no, not really. it’s been a while since i last went on a date. most of the time, i’d pretty much go with the flow,” says jonghyun. “and i think this is kind of date.. yes?”

there’s silence before i nod in a very unconvincing manner. he laughs at me and i can’t help feeling like i just made a fool out of myself.

“why not? you’re quite good-looking and i’m sure getting a girlfriend isn’t that hard.”

“i’ve been busy with the dance crew and i don’t think i’d want to date when i’m distracted.” he once told me in one of our late-night conversations that being a leader is really a difficult task to do like, everything happens within the members falls under his responsibility and he needs to take care of them well. i’m not really sure how many there are, but i believe they’re not more than six? i’ve seen three on the train the other day.

“that sucks, but i totally get it, jonghyun.”

his face eases into a smile and i’m not sure if i still look dumb because i think i am. fuck his smile, i hate him.

“what about you?”

“uhm, i haven’t dated in a while,” i say, downing on the coke slowly. “not that i’m not interested in anyone. i guess.. it’s just hard to find one these days.” that somehow brings me to my days with the dementor’s bitch.

“well, i’m here.” he lets out a coy titter.

i snort. “do you like both, though?”

“what both?”

“uhm... genders?”

“i thought it was pretty obvious already?” he rubs the back of his nape. “but to answer your curiosity, yes... i do. i hope that’s okay with you. i mean—i don’t want to come off as someone who’s weird or something—”

“don’t worry, i’m okay,” i say. “i’m not a judgmental person nor do i think that there should be limits to what people find in another person. like gender, you know?” to be honest, i’ve never actually thought about the possibility of me going out with a guy before this. however, the more i got to know jonghyun, the clearer my mind has gotten. it doesn’t always have to be a girl.

jonghyun falls mum for a moment, as if he’s taking time to digest things. i hope that makes sense to him—like what i just rambled.

“do you friends and family know about your sexuality?”

he quickly nods. “yes. they’ve seen a few of my exes.”

“i see.”

jonghyun stops when the traffic light turns red. he sighs and flashes me a grin. “you’re interesting, taehyung.”

“how?” i laugh. “i think i’m nothing but dull.”

“don’t underestimate yourself,” he says, rolling his eyes playfully. “think about your friends who haven’t left your side. like if they think you’re dull, then why do they still stick with you? why do they still care about you? why are they willing to make time for you when they can do that to others?”

suddenly i’m thinking about jeongguk. jonghyun’s making sense, as far as i’m concerned. i may not have a lot of friends, but i have jeongguk. he’s not just a friend to me. he’s someone that i don’t mind showing him my ugly sides.

“think about it, taehyung.” the green light’s up and he hits the engine pedal. “you’re a lot more worth than you think you are.”

i feel a rush of heat rising into the apple of my cheeks. “shush, you’re making me blush for no apparent reason!”

his smile deepens. “i was being honest, though.”

“b-but, it’s kind of embarrassing because i never thought about it.”

he reaches his hand out to place it on my thigh. i gulp anxiously. he’s squeezing my flesh comfortably. my face burns again. like, completely burnt.  

jonghyun seems to notice the change of my expression and looks at me with worry. “is this too much?”’

“n-no! not really.” i can’t help stuttering and it’s not doing me any good. “i’m just.. a little bit shy.”

“no need to.” he refutes my statement and pulls away, only to lock my twitching fingers into his and rests ours on his knee. i look up at him, puzzled, but he only smiles at me and tightens the hold. “i hope this is okay.”

i say nothing but stare at him silently as he races through the highway with nothing but a sheepish grin on his lips. sometimes he’s squeezing my fingers and fiddling against my fingertips, causing my stomach to lurch nonstop at his gentle ministration.

i’m so close to yelling right now. oh, god. i really hate this vulnerable side of me.

///

without a word, i quietly tug my hand away from his warm grip the second he stops at a familiar-looking place, where i believe most of the locals have at least been here once.

han river, i smile at the thought as i observe through the window curiously. people say that it’s a place to ease your minds, but i think it’s also a decent place to hang out with families and friends.

i turn to him, my eyes crescents. “are we getting off soon?”

“should we?” he asks with a tinge of hesitation laced in his voice.

“you don’t want... to get off the car and walk around... or something, do you?”

“no no.” jonghyun breaks into a laugh. “i thought we needn’t get off. like you know, uhm, just relax in car.. but if you want to take some fresh air, it’s fine too. either way, i’ll still be close to you... won’t i?”

i nod, only to sigh inwardly afterward. i have no idea, but jonghyun’s words come off effortlessly pleasing that they make my heart scream affection. “alright, let’s stay here,” i say.

“really?” he cocks his head at me. “will that be okay?”

“well, actually i don’t mind either way.” my subtle gaze finds its way to meet his and the ends of my lips spontaneously curve into a smile. “because spending this little time with you is what matters.”

“why little time?” jonghyun mirrors my beam. “not like we won’t be meeting each other just after this evening. if i could, i want to meet you always like, every single second of my life.”

“that’s kind of cheesy.” i squint at him, laughing in the background.

“i was being honest.” he slowly taps the stereo on before another voice fills the ambience, as if we’re having company. “i wish i was,” he whispers softly.

“you’re good the way you are, jonghyun.”

“does it mean that i’ve passed your requirements of some sort?”

“maybe.” i shrug, letting him figure it out through my face expression.

he bites his lip and stares into my eyes. suddenly silence ensues. in a good way, i’d like to think that way. i’m comfortable enough that i could be in the same position as he is at the moment. plus, it’s kind of regretful that it may be hard to see him later. he’s always occupied with the dance practice.

“is it hard?” i ask.

“yes?”

“dancing.”

he laughs and retracts, sinking into his seat as he leans against the cushion. “dancing is my passion. it’s something that i’ve always loved since i was a kid.” jonghyun then looks at me questioningly. “you must have something that you love so dearly deep inside as well, right?”

i nod with a sigh. “i love travelling, but i think it’s more like, something that i wish i could do.” i pause and chuckle. “i used to watch tons of traveling programs they had back then and my dad knew that i was into it so he’d always buy me a traveling magazine every month. so... i guess my interest in it kind of grew afterward?”

he listens attentively to my story without interrupting so i continue with a spark of excitement in my eyes. “sometimes i wish i was rich... so that i could go to any places i yearn for just whenever i feel bored or stressed out or lonely,” i say. “but you know, life sucks so yeah. but hopefully one day i could go out of seoul and experience all kinds of traveling that i’ve always loved.”

“what do your parents do for a living? if you don’t mind me asking.”

“it’s fine.” i pass him the drink and tuck a few fries out to feed him. “my dad owns a restaurant in our neighbourhood and my mom’s not working. sometimes, though, she takes babysitting jobs. or more like, when she’s bored.”

we both laugh at the same time.

“what about you? what do they do?” i’m a little bit curious to know about his family since you know, he pretty much seems like it’s easy for him to earn money and whatnot. look at how his car and the way he looks. like, it’s not tacky. he’s got his own style.

“both are lawyers and hardly have time for us at home,” he says briefly. “i have two older sisters, by the way. we are really close so i guess it’s fine not to have our parents at home?”

“aw, i see.” i take pleasure in his well-defined features as i examine his face. he’s really handsome, if i could say one spontaneous thing about him. all of a sudden, crush is singing beautiful in the speakers to which i can’t help singing along.

he notices and blinks at me, sucking onto his lower tier with interest. “so this is like your favorite song,” he says. “later i’ll request for a lullaby, alright?”

i pout a little. “noooo.”

“yeeees,” he replies in the same way i just did. “you’re so cute, you know? like not the obvious kind of cute or the kind of cute people try hard to do. more like, it’s natural and perfect and i don’t mind seeing this side of you every day.”

“why are you like this, jonghyun?” i shake my head and try not to get my heart flutter harder than it already does. it’s making me weak, ugh.

“i’m being me, taehyung,” he says with a wink. “pass me the burger. i’m kind of hungry all of a sudden.”

“tch, that’s why you shouldn’t have said nonsense.” i giggle at the thought and take the burger out from the paper bag.

he takes the food from my hand. “more like—”

“dig in!” i laugh and prod his shoulder, to which he whines. cute.

///

i watch him eat with the smile on my lips that never fades. he eats very carefully and slowly like he’s the neat and fussy type of person. i don’t know, but it’s really an adorable sight.

“do you have practice tomorrow?”

“in the afternoon, yeah,” he replies. “and the boys want to like, you know, hang out at my place.”

“that’s good! have a great time, okay?”

he nods and grins.

“how many are there altogether, though?”

“there are six of us.” he stops eating for a moment and takes out his phone to show a selfie of the crew.

they all look good. i scan everyone’s faces. i’ve seen a few of them on the train before and i still remember how they look like while the rest remain a mystery.

jonghyun chuckles and then introduces their names briefly. from the left is seungwoo, daniel, jonghyun in the middle and hyunbin while on the opposite side is jaehwan and taemin. they’re all huddled close to each other, as if an exhilarating family photo.

from my opinion, seungwoo seems like he’s got the fittest body out and quite the look. daniel, the guy with striking, pink bleached hair is cute. he really stands out the most from everyone in the picture. hyunbin seems the problematic kind of guy because his eyes are so small and the way he’s smiling is a little bit creepy—at least to me. i cough. the other two are smiling handsomely and they give me ‘nice guy’ vibes.

“so, who’s the closest with you?”

“like all are.” he laughs. “we’re all like brothers.”

i frown. “but if you had to pick one?”

“uhm, well.” he spends less time to point at taemin’s figure. “we’re the same age so i guess that makes a little difference from the others. plus, we have been friends since high school, so.”

“aw, that means he’s the same age as me too!”

he nods, only to roll his eyes at me. “but don’t fall for him. he already has a girlfriend.”

“tch, i didn’t ask.”

“but i wanted you to know.” he pulls on my cheek and looks me in the eye. “you’re like..”

“like what?”

“like, you know.” jonghyun blinks and averts his gaze to continue eating. “mine.”

my heart does a little jump. “noooo.”

“yeeees.”

“jesus, just finish the burger.”

“you don’t want?” he raises a brow.

my throat suddenly tightens. “want what?”

“both,” he answers. “the burger and me.”

“i’ll take the first one.”

“what about the second one?” he lets out a snort. “be fair, okay?”

“i’m always fair! grr.”

“okay, fine. i gave up.” he shakes his head with my laugh in the background. “your grr was too cute.”

“too cute to be true,” i murmur to myself and eyes the night view in front of my eyes. that explains well.

///

hours spent with him feel too short that i wish i had a time machine to rewind time. i know it’s wishful thinking, but the least i could do is to wish. he’s parked outside of the park just nearby my officetel building upon my request.

jonghyun gives me a concerned look. “you sure you want me to drop you here?”

“yes. i’ll just walk from here. no worries. it just takes a few minutes,” i say, nodding. i’m already grateful that he’s willing to drive me home, though i’d told him earlier that he could’ve just let me take a bus.

he tsks at me. “i just want you to be safe.”

“always safe.” my lips curve upward, a simper bubbling out of my lips. “don’t worry, okay?”

he sighs before nodding. “alright, but text me once you’re home, yeah?”

“will do.”

jonghyun grins at my response and extends a hand, his fingers softly stroking a chunk of my hair to which i let out a squirm. then he shifts and rubs the back of my head. “it was fun, taehyung,” he whispers. “thank you for giving me a chance to meet you. you could’ve turned me down, but i was really happy the fact that you didn’t.”

“i wanted to meet you, so.” i stop there. i guess i’d never say it out loud. not that i think it’s unnecessary, but the truth is i didn’t want him to know what i felt deep inside. it was downright embarrassing that i’d let myself flush at a mere gesture he made or when he simply smiled at me. i feel like i fucked up tonight. like, a lot. i’m sure somehow he’s noticed it as well.

“i know.” he pulls away to touch my fingers, only to sigh as he doesn’t. i blink and silently protest. is he okay?

“i’ll miss you.” the second we’re in a painstaking, longing eye-lock, a gorgeous smile adorns his handsome face. “goodnight and sleep tight, taehyung. don’t forget to text me, too. i’ll be waiting.”

///

i didn’t know jeongguk would get so psyched as he listens to my story about what happened last night—the very first date i had with jonghyun. he’s like all screaming and having his eyes widen and soon i guess he’s going to literally rip my shirt apart. i shake my head at the thought, unsure if it’s really something to be _that_ happy about.

“i told you,” he says. “that you were gay!”

“what the heck—” i find myself gasping at the word. “no, i’m not—i mean, uh, i don’t know.”

“it’s okay, tae.” he grins at me. “i know it’s not normal in our society, but who the hell cares? anyway, i’m like, super glad that you’ve finally found your inner gayness!”

“you’d better stop using that word or i’ll fucking throw you out of the shop!” i glare at him as i glance around quickly, making sure that no one caught that word. not even our manager.

jeongguk rolls his eyes at me, totally unabashed. “anyway, does he really like you? and you? what do you feel about him?”

“i’m not sure about it. i mean, it’s stil unclear.” i let out a sigh. “he acts like he’s flirting with me in a very subtle way, but i’m not sure if that’s just him being friendly.” sometimes the thought makes a tight knot pulling in my stomach. i’m still confused. i’m not complaining, though. i mean, ever since our date happened on that night, he’s been acting like he always is around me. he calls me by my name, always asks about my condition every day and if my work’s stressing me out. he deeply cares about me.

i’m not expecting anything further from him since it’s still new and i don’t want to rush things because trust me, it’ll be ugly in the end and i’ve had enough of that in the past. i hate it. i really do.

“maybe he’s like, being careful?”

i quirk an eyebrow. “what do you mean?”

“you know, like he doesn’t want to go overboard and make you feel uncomfortable around him,” he says and claws at the edge of the counter. “he seems nice,” he adds an afterthought.

i nod and feels a little excited upon his comment. “he’s really nice.”

jeongguk squints playfully and hits my shoulder. “does he fit your ideal type, though?”

“well.. the thing is.” it’s funny. i want to laugh. “my ideal type has always focused on girls, so i don’t think he fits any.. but my common sense says that he’d be close to being my ideal type if i had one.”

“you’re weird.” he shakes his head.

“yeah.” i snort. “for kind of falling for a guy.”

he snickers long enough to piss me. “weird gay ass kim taehyung.”

“oh my god.” i’m so close to cussing and taking a knife somewhere to slit his throat. “shut the fuck up, will you?”

he seems to have caught my nasty attention. “you won’t dare do that to me because i’m your best friend whom you’ve always loved since we were kids. more than that jonghyun dude.”

i snort again. “whatever.”

“i’m dead serious.”

i leave the counter and trudge towards the messy table that the two girls just left. it’s time to work!

///

my little cousin’s birthday is coming soon, so i decide to drop by a bookstore on my way home after work. he’s a big fan of comic books, so i figured giving them a complete set of the latest series wrapped nicely in a box would be a great idea.

actually i was waiting for jeongguk as he said he had some stuff to buy as well until a text came in a few minutes later. basically i got stood up, heh.

something happened at home so he had to rush home immediately. it’s okay, though. i mean, it’s not the first time it’s happened to me. i’m actually very cool about it and sometimes it’s better to be alone because right here you’ll have all time for yourself.

but not until someone approaches me out of nowhere.

“hey.”

i glance sideways, eyes narrowing at his unfamiliar figure. “hey...?” i greet him, sounding very unsure. “uhm, do we know each other..” i put the novel back to its place and scan his face briefly. i believe i haven’t seen him once, have i?

he laughs and smiles at me. “of course we don’t,” he answers. “but hey, did jonghyun say a lot about me?”

jonghyun? my stomach lurches as i suddenly feel a memory shock. wait, i actually know him—the picture! “i didn’t know,” is all i could mutter. i’m beyond surprised. “you’re... uhm, taemin... right.”

he nods, exhilarated. “yes, i’m taemin.”

wow, i’m such a genius that i actually recognize him. this is briliant. i should give myself a pat on the back later. “i didn’t expect i’d meet you here,” i say and extend a friendly hand. “and for you to know who i am.”

with a smile hanging on his lips, he shakes my hand. “jonghyun’s friend is my friend as well,” he says. “except you’re a little _special_ friend.”

i roll my eyes and lets him chuckle at my action. anyway, this is still amazing. i mean, all of this. i still can’t digest what is happening right now.

“hey, don’t frown.” the latter pokes my forehead as if he knows what’s weighing in my mind.  “he’s been telling me all stuff about you so i kind of know a lot about you,” he says. “i thought i’d meet you one day he decides to introduce you to me, but look what i’ve seen in front of me.”

shit, i feel heat rising into my cheeks. “i see.” i manage an awkward smile. “he told me stuff about you and your other friends too the other day.. and that you’re his best friend and whatnot.”

taemin merely grins. “we are best friends.”

“so what’re you doing here?”

“well, on a date with my girlfriend. she’s buying books.” he tells me. oh right, he’s got a girlfriend. i almost forgot that. i bet she looks just equally gorgeous as his boyfriend is. “and you, taehyung?”

“buying books for my cousin.”

“aw, that’s cute.” he laughs. “by the way, have you been seeing jonghyun a lot these days?”

“nope.” i shake my head. “he’s been busy.. right?”

“yes. the dance practice’s really keeping him away.” he sighs. a part of me longs for his attention as he hardly has time to text or call me nowadays, but i understand how busy he could get. “i’m sure he’ll get back to you once it’s all done, so no worries.”

“hopefully,” i reply in a whisper-like tone. “wait, i thought you were in the team too?”

“well, i was.. but not anymore. i thought you knew.” he raises a brow and then tells me that he unfortunately had to pull out from the group due to a surgery. that’s why he’s not busy.. unlike jonghyun. i sigh.

“but you know, if you want to meet him, i could help you.”

my heart does a little jump. i hope i don’t look so excited. “how?”

taemin beams. “i think he’s having an evaluation with the trainers right now at the studio, so if you want to see him i can give you the address,” he says. “it’s not too far and i’m sure the minute you get there, he’ll be done with the evaluation.”


	3. Chapter 3

taemin’s right. it’s not that far from the mall, but screw the traffic. i’ve spent more than twenty minutes in the cab, wondering if i should just go back home instead. my heart’s screaming jonghyun’s name, though.

i sigh. i don’t know what’s gotten inside my stupid head to be actually doing this right now, but i hope this is worth my effort.

i get off the cab once the driver stops me in front of a posh-looking building which has a large ‘MX STUDIO’ on the signboard. well, it looks like i’m at the right place.

i find it awkward, having to traipse my way inside the premise with generous information provided by the security guard and taemin. i take the elevator up to the third floor and swear my heart’s been pounding so hard right now.

the ‘beep’ sound blares and i walk out and quickly look for the said practice room.

where is it? i muse to myself. it’s such a long corridor that i find myself squinting at the signboard attached to each room that i pass by.

slowly giving up, i’m about to take my phone and dial taemin’s number before i hear something—like a sharp voice colliding with other voices as well. who are they? i decide to walk further until i find myself standing at the last room of the floor.

jonghyun, there he is in the room! i hyperventilate for a fleeting moment. he’s sweating profusely next to his members, facing a fierce-looking trainer.

i swallow the bile taste in my mouth. this doesn’t look good. all of them are looking down on the floor while jonghyun’s eyes are fixed on the trainers.

the trainer opens his mouth again and harsh remarks ensue.

this is really bad. i sigh and draw back a little, peeking at the transparent door with my heart still thumping uncontrollably hard.

///

the older male taps his foot impatiently as he glares at each of them continuously, bottom lip jutted out. i hold my breath and clench my fist loosely at the poor sight. there’s like a fire flaming in his eyes that even me, an outsider, feel as terrified as the members.

“i know you guys had to rearrange the choreography again because of taemin, but this is a total mess,” he says and points his finger at hyunbin. “and you, hyunbin.”

the mentioned boy chickens out when his name is being called. “y-yes?”

“did you work hard? did you give your best while practicing?”

hyunbin looks sideways at the rest, in which they all look flustered. he bites his lip and turns to the trainer again, only to remain mum.

“i’m asking you if you did it all.” he groans and interrupts when hyunbin’s about to drop a comment. “hey, jonghyun. are you okay seeing your member doing so badly like this? don’t you feel upset? mad?”

jonghyun sighs and purses his lips shut for a thought. “i believe we all can do it confidently on the day of performance,” he says solemnly.

i see daniel and seungwoo making an eye contact, as if they doubt that’ll happen. i find it a bit doubtful as well because i saw how bad hyunbin danced earlier. like, he can’t even get the choreography correct, let alone move his legs. compared to the rest of the group, i think hyunbin lags behind in terms of everything and that makes me question myself why he’s even in the team.

poor the leader. i’m not being biased because of jonghyun. i know how sucks it feels to lead the group and have to carry the responsibility when someone or something messes up. i hope he’s feeling alright—and not pressured just as the rest are.

the trainer jots down something in his book. “i see that your leader is trying hard to defend and lead you all. he seems very wise and a good leader. that’s a good thing,” he comments. jonghyun listens attentively. “this isn’t for hyunbin only, but everyone. you guys can’t expect yourselves to keep slacking off if you know you might harm your group. if you know you’re bad, then keep practicing. success doesn’t come easily. you need to earn that with efforts. understood?”

they nod, still silent until jonghyun opens his mouth. “we’ll work very hard to show you and everyone else a good performance.” he bows and everyone else follows him. “please look upon us favourably and we promise we won’t disappoint you again!”

///

i wait patiently until everyone leaves the room. i take a glance inside. it looks like jonghyun doesn’t seem to want to go back yet—he’s leaning against the wall lazily with his eyes shut close.

i let out a tiny sigh. i’m sure jonghyun has a lot of things going on in his mind. i should’ve gone back earlier, but i had no idea why i can’t bring myself to leave. i’ve been here for almost an hour because i want to meet him. if i go back home without meeting him, that’d be a total waste, wouldn’t it?

i enter the room with careful steps as i don’t want to wake him up, though i’ve already failed miserably. he stirs up and gawks at my presence in front of him.

“taehyung?” he widens his eyes, his posture straight. “w-what are you doing here?”

“uhm, i..” i sweat a little before taking a seat next to him. “i wanted to see you.”

jonghyun blinks in confusion.

i know he’s really confused now, so i slowly explain how i got here. “i happened to meet your friend, taemin earlier and we talked,” i say. “and then he told me how to get here.”

i clear my throat. “i’m sorry if this came out as a surprise. i didn’t mean to surprise you in any way, jonghyun. i... don’t know. we haven’t seen each other in a while and.. i wanted to see you so..”

“it’s okay.” jonghyun laughs silently and places a hand on my shoulder for a few seconds. “if i were you, i would’ve done the same thing too.”

“really?” i feel happy, actually. i thought he was going to get angry at me. plus, with what happened earlier, he might have wanted to have some time for himself.

“yes.” he nods and holds my fingers. “i missed you.”

it feels surreal. the tingling feeling that i felt back then when he held me in his hand, it’s like coming back again. “y-yeah.. me too, to be honest.’ i squirm and look down, too shy to look him into his eyes.

he laughs momentarily. “i hope you’ve been doing well, taehyung. i’m sorry that we haven’t been talking a lot these days. the performance is around the corner, so we’ve been practicing very hard.”

it’s okay. i understand it, so yeah. don’t beat yourself up for that.” i pull my hand away to pull on his cheek. off the top of of my head, i don’t know if i should be telling about what i saw earlier.  

“hmm.” jonghyun clicks his tongue. “how long have you been here?”

i hesitate. “uhm, not really long.”

“did you see it?”

“hm?”

“the thing earlier.”

i press my lips together into a thin line and nod. “well, i didn’t mean to..”

“it’s fine.” he chuckles bitterly, squeezing my fingers firmly. “i wish you hadn’t seen how bad i was earlier, though.”

“is it something to be embarrassed about?”

“well... in a way, it is.” jonghyun looks up and our eyes meet. he tells me that he’s sorry that i had to witness the scene earlier. it’s surely heartbreaking, but i don’t find it embarrassing at all. instead, i feel a swell of emotion. like, i want to give him a big hug and tell that everything is going to be fine, you know?

suddenly there’s a beat of silence. i could clearly him sighing so softly.

“has he always been that bad, though?” i ask, breaking the stillness.

jonghyun knows who i mean hence he laughs a little. “he just got into dancing so yeah, i guess?” he says. “a lot of them asked me why i chose hyunbin to be a part of my group and that it won’t work out.. hyunbin will only do more harm than good to others. however, i’m going to prove them wrong. i’m going to change their opinions on the day of the performance. they’ll see how much he’s improved. i’ll make him do well. i really will.”

i see the spark in his eyes as he speaks. “i believe in you,” i say. “you’re a good leader.”

“i beg to differ.” he shrugs. “i lack a lot as a leader, but i’m trying. to be the best for myself and for my group members.”

“and so will you be.”

he hums in content and flashes a warm smile at me. “i’m glad you came.”

///

it’s nine o’clock. i didn’t know time ran so fast. it felt so brief.

“let’s go back now.” jonghyun tugs at my arm and slowly gets up. “i’ll drive you home.”

i raise a brow. “oh, no train?”

“traffic sucked earlier so yeah.” he simpers and puts his belongings in his duffel bag. “have you eaten, by the way?”

i shake my head. “i haven’t.”

he stops to stare at me. “should we go eat first?”

“sure! do you have anything in mind?”

jonghyun purses his lips as he mulls over. a smile of excitement washes over his face afterwards. “i think i do!”

///

he drives all the way to the city and lets the silence take over as he hardly speaks. i wonder whether he’s too tired or wants to keep me guessing where he’ll bring me.

“say something.” i pout. “you’re being too silent that it scares me.”

he glances at me, laughing. “what do you mean?”

“i mean, you always talk with me,” i say and cross my arms over my chest in a sulky manner. “but now you don’t. why? are you tired, jonghyun?”

“no, no i’m not tired.” jonghyun shakes his head. “i don’t know why, though. but really, it’s not about me being tired.”

“if you say so, hm.” i look into the window and purse my lips shut, unsure what to react to that.

he notices the dryness brewing in the car and quickly takes a hold of my wrist. “hey, hey,” he whispers. “don’t be like this. i’m sorry, okay?”

i hum softly. “it’s fine. just.. just give me something delicious to eat and i’ll be fine.”

“really?” he seems surprised. “then do you like pizza?”

“is that what we’re going to eat?” i say before nodding my head. “and yes, i like it.”

the latter stifles a laugh, a gorgeous smile blooming on his lips. “you just like it or you like it a lot?”

“i like pizza a lot.”

“more than you like me?”

suddenly i froze in my seat, my face burning red. i hate it when he makes comments like that. “jesus, can you not.” i flick his fingers and he quickly tugs his hand away with big laughter.

“you’re so cute,” says jonghyun. “like, are you even real?”

i click my tongue in faux distaste. “no, i’m not.”

“then, what are you? a ghost? a spirit?” he questions, rolling his eyes playfully.

“i’ll leave that for you to ponder.” i raise a brow and watch him as he frowns. it’s cute—i mean, he’s cute. i smile sheepishly at the thought running at the back of my mind.

he turns to me and we look at each other in the eye. this time, it’s beautiful. the way he stares into my eyes deeply with a smile on his lips, as if he’s trying to convey something and it always has my stomach churning.

i flush and look away. maybe, i’ve fallen in love.

 _just_ maybe.

///

_one month later,_

“see you tomorrow, guk!” i wave at him hurriedly as i drape my sling bag over my shoulder and trudge out of the counter. my shift’s just ended and jeongguk just came in to replace me.

the younger male nods. “text me, though! and tell me what color of shirt that jonghyun’s wearing today is!” he bursts into big laughter at the end of his words.

i snort and wave him off with a shrug. “let’s see.”

“don’t get too caught up in his game,” says jeongguk playfully.

“he’s a good game.” i let out an airy chuckle and bid him goodbye for the last time before i exit the coffee shop in a hasty manner, inwardly wondering whether i will arrive at the restaurant on time. i hope i will, though, because keeping jonghyun waiting is something that i wish i’d never do after i fucked up on our last date—i came so late that he had to wait for me for almost an hour. although he didn’t complain, i felt so bad. it’s like one of the things i wish i could remove from my life, ugh.

luckily the bus comes on time the second i reach the bus stop. i punch my card as soon as i get in and settle in the middle seat.

five stations to go. thirty minutes left. okay, i’m good. i sigh in content and lean my back into the seat with my eyes shut close. somehow i can’t wait to meet him, it’s been a week since we last met, but it feels like it’s been a year. i didn’t expect myself to miss him a lot than i thought i would. this is crazy.

my phone suddenly vibrates in my bag, indicating there’s a new text message. i pull out and tap the screen open.

_wru now? i miss u a lot !!_

my lips automatically curl into a grin as i read the single line over and over again. ah, he’s doing it again. i can’t help myself not to feel like a complete lunatic.

_omw! dw i miss u too._

///

by the time i arrive at the tteobokki place, jonghyun’s already there, sitting at one of the tables outside. he’s smiling widely as i rush to him.

“am i late?” i take a seat in front of him, sounding a little worried. off the top of my head, he looks gorgeous as he always. that black polo shirt really suits his skin color.

“no, no. i just arrived too. don’t worry,” says jonghyun and extends a hand on the table. i stare at his gesture and get what that means in an instant. i find it a little bit off since we’re in the public and i don’t feel like everyone will be okay to see such cozy moves by two guys—or so i think. but fuck it, i’ll just do it briefly.

i move my fingers towards him before placing them on top of him. jonghyun lets out a low simper and squeezes our fingers together just warmly, making me a bundle of nerves right in front of him. though it’s something that we sometimes do, it still feels awkward to me. i have no idea. perhaps, i’m just always awkward.

“tired?” he cocks a brow at me inquiringly. “how was work?”

i shake my head. “not really and work was okay. just like usual,” i reply. “what about you? did you have fun with your family?” he told me this afternoon in one of his texts that he was going to spend some of his time today with them since his group has finished with the performance a few days ago.

“i did! it’s been a while since i last saw my parents off away from tons of towering files and countless phone calls.” jonghyun breaks the tight grip rubs my index finger, looking around the restaurant afterwards. “so.. is this like your usual place to hang out with friends, taehyung?”

“more like alone,” i answer with a short chuckle. “i enjoy eating street food like tteokbokki so i always come here and one more thing is that this place has the best tteokbokki i’ve ever tasted in my life!”

“i didn’t know, but i’ll make sure to jot it down.” jonghyun runs his fingers through the back of his raven locks. “so taehyung likes tteokbokki and this place is his favourite one. noted.”

i squint at him to which he shrugs playfully. he’s been getting a little playful these days. i don’t know what got into him, but that’s still cute of him. i love all sides of him so it doesn’t really matter to me. he’s still—kim jonghyun that i enjoy befriending.

“should we order?”

my heart jumps at his smile and nods. a middle-aged woman comes to our table a moment later. jonghyun insists on having me choose what to eat so i casually pick out what i usually have when i come here; tteokbokki, cheese ramen and kimbap.

“why milk, though?” he asks the second the old woman leaves. “why not beer?”

“cause you’re driving!” i roll my eyes. “milk is good, you know.”

he stops asking, as though he’s given up on the milk topic. i laugh at him because it’s funny. not to mention, his reaction when i order two glasses of milks is priceless.

///

jonghyun isn’t a picky eater.

he eats everything that i eat and has never complained when the food that i want to eat tastes bad or doesn’t suit his palate. whenever that happens, he’ll try to be mindful of my feelings and finish the food with all his best. i do the same thing in return, by the way.

“is the food okay?” i tilt my head and stop eating to watch with keen eyes. he’s swallowed the fifth kimbap already and i wonder whether he’s that hungry or his parents didn’t feed him earlier.

 “it’s more than okay.” he laughs and feeds me a forkful of tteobokki. my throat tightens when i chew it down. i am actually surprised as it’s so sudden.

jonghyun sips the milk and looks excited all of a sudden. “where do you want to go next?”

“wherever you want to go.”

“want to visit my house?”

that almost makes me choke, my cheeks suddenly flushed. “y-your house?”

“yes!” says the latter as he seems to notice the slight nuance in my tone. “but don’t worry. this is like my second house. we’re not going to the one i’m staying with my family.”

i sigh. “that’s good.” i didn’t know he had a second house, though. that’s weird. how many houses does he actually have? i blink at my question.

///

i wouldn’t say that i’m all prepared to intrude his private space since we’re still new to each other, but since he’s asked me, i don’t think i have the right to turn him down. plus, i’m kind of interested in seeing how his house looks like. people say that if we want to look at someone’s personality, judge it by the closest place to them—their house.

before we arrive at the destination, i was actually expecting a big, bungalow with a large area for garden and spacious swimming pool. however, my expectation goes off the radar as i’m seeing a middle-sized apartment with a small coffee shop attached to the building. this is really something i would’ve never expected in the first place.

but again, i remember that jonghyun said that this is like his second house and the fact that he’s living alone means that it’s supposed to be for one person only. like how my house is. it all now makes sense to me. what a total fool i am for thinking that, given he comes from a rather affluent household.

we take the elevator to the second floor and each floor only consists of three houses, which i deem very ‘exclusive’ and hard to find in seoul. i’m having thoughts again, but nevermind.

“you okay?” jonghyun asks as we’re right at the door to his apartment and gives me a worried look.

“yes, yes.” i nod. “it’s already beyond my expectation from the outside and now i can’t wait to see what it offers me from the inside.”

jonghyun laughs a little, embarrassed. “it’s nothing to see, really.” and then he enters the passcode before the door slightly opens with a loud click.

he turns around and smiles at me before tugging gently at my arm. “do come in,” he says and prepares a pair of home slippers for me.

“alright.” i take off my shoes and slip on the slippers before entering his private space. it takes me merely three seconds to be awfully impressed with his house.

it’s really beautiful, i whisper to myself. my mouth literally hangs open as i walk around aimlessly. the house itself is quite adorable with the kitchen attached to the living room and a small flight of steps to the bedroom, which i assume that is since i see nothing like a bed on the floor.

and there is a terrace behind large sliding windows, unveiling a picturesque view of the city and a spot to calm one’s mind with the aid of the chair.

jonghyun stares at me and his amused laughter breaks the silence. “you seem really.. how do i say?” he laughs again as he beckons me to sit on the couch. “impressed?”

i finish my ‘inspection’ and settle on the couch with a happy grin on my face. “yes, i am really impressed,” i say. “i mean, it’s really beautiful.”

“it is?” he blinks. “it’s just simple, i guess?”

i roll my eyes. “don’t play pretend here, jonghyun.”

“okay, but seriously my mom did everything for me before i first moved in.. so i guess kudos to her?” he says quite doubtfully.

“that’s right.” i sink myself into the comfy seat and close my eyes for a brief moment. “i feel comfortable already.”

“you should be because there are a lot more to look forward to.” jonghyun gets to his feet. “are you thirsty? i’ll get you a drink.”

“sure,” i reply almost immediately. “anything’s fine with me.”

“got it.”

he returns with a glass of orange juice and sits down next to me. “sorry, taehyung. there’s nothing in the fridge but orange juice and i can actually make coffee or tea, but i believe you’re not going to like it.” he scratches the back of his head in embarrassment.

“that’s fine! orange juice is nice.” i lift the glass to my lips and take a small chug of the juice. “you know, your house is really clean and organized for a guy.”

“oh, that’s because the caretaker’s doing all the job thrice in a week,” he says, brushing his bangs aside lazily. “plus, i’m not here that much so maybe that’s why it’s clean and organized.”

“oh, i see.” i digest the information with a nod. so he’s saying that he usually sleeps at his parents’ and comes here once in a while. he’s really a lucky person, i’d say.

“do you want to check out my room?” he suddenly asks.

i cock a brow at him. “is it okay with you? i mean, it’s your room and i don’t want to like, you know, intruding your privacy or something—”

“there’s nothing like privacy when it comes to you, taehyung.” i find myself looking away at his words. god, what’s he up to this time? “now get up!” he elicits a laugh and pulls me up by my sleeve.

“aye aye, captain,” i answer in a humorous tone.

///

i thought that his room would be all messy with clothes, dirty socks and underwear strewn all over the place just like how mine actually is. well, that only happens if i’m too lazy, to be honest. or when i’m too tired from work i decide to just let them be and only tend to them during weekends.

anyway, back to jonghyun’s room, that’s not the case. i’m blown away by the sight of his surprisingly clean and tidy space. all his belongings are put in order and the fact that his room smells fresh lavender, i’m now definitely sure that his caretaker is doing a great job in keeping his room alive—or maybe he himself is doing all the things.

i take the pleasure in going around the sweet-scented area while giving him occasional, furtive glances when he’s not looking at me. i sigh and let my insides burst in delight. i review the facts that not only is he good-looking with a nice, clean-cut personality, but he’s also a guy who takes care of his room well as well pays attention to little things. isn’t he just perfect?

he calls my name as he adjusts the lighting, his eyes averting to me. “you know, you’re the first person that i’ve ever brought home.”

i halt my feet at the study desk and run my fingers on the edge of the surface, laughing. “really?” i ask curiously. there are a few photos in the frames on the table and one of them is him smiling next to taemin. “not even your best friend, taemin?”

he shakes his head. “yes, not even him,” he says smugly, nothing that he hardly has time to bring friends over here. “you’re like the first ever.”

“i should be feeling great, shouldn’t i?”

“you should be.” jonghyun takes a few steps closer to me until he stands right in front of me. our similar heights are perfect, i’d say.

suddenly there’s a beat of silence as our eyes intercept in a lovely gaze. i curve a somewhat sheepish smile across my face as i try to digest the situation. i’m not sure of what to do until he breaks the silence.

“come here,” he murmurs in almost a whisper-like tone and stretches his arm open widely to which i don’t think i’m able to let him down. within a few seconds of processing thoughts, i groan and walk up a little towards him before throwing myself into his welcoming arms.

well, this is embarrassing, but i try to act like everything’s just fine. with my face pressed against his clothed chest, i slowly snake my arms around his waist. jonghyun, on the other hand, sighs in content and hugs me tighter.

the way our bodies connect to each other actually astounds me. never once have i felt this kind of warmth from hugging a person before—this is my first time ever. i mean, i’ve hugged a lot of times before with both genders, but this time, it’s different. it’s warm. it feels cozy. my heart is beating so fast against him and i’m very sure that he can sense that.

i hear a chuckle coming from him. “feeling better?” jonghyun palms my back in a reassuring manner.

“maybe,” i answer ambiguously. “what do you think?”

“i’m not sure,” he says, his bottom lip twitching as he pulls away. “but i hope you’re alright.”

i don’t answer; i give him a blank stare until he leans into me again. his nose bumps against mine, and right at that very moment, i can feel his eyelashes fluttering on my skin. i squeeze my eyes shut and anticipate his next act.

“taehyung.” he blinks up at me. “do you mind if i, uhm, kiss you?”

somehow, it doesn’t really surprise me. not that i knew he was going to kiss me, but it’s just that with our close proximity, anything can happen.

“sure.”i ease my tense body with a chuckle. “i mean, why not?”

 i see him coming to me so i shut my eyes close again, lift my chin and our lips shyly meet within a second later. he lets out a hum and kisses me softly.

i tug at his shoulder all of a sudden to regain balance, as if my legs will give in no time. amidst the nervousness, i try to savor the moment and let the kiss linger. i could clearly feel how soft his lips are, how gentle his warm breath lapping onto my skin is and it smells something like a mixture of mint and lemon. it doesn’t make any sense—i know i’m being weird—but that’s what i’m feeling right now. i’m too nervous to even be processing normal thoughts and all; the fact that i’m having a lip-lock session kim jonghyun is still pretty unbelievable to me.

only after a while, he pulls away and looks at me. i take some time to get used to the surrounding and ease my tense muscles.

“i didn’t know it’d feel good.” jonghyun chuckles as he brushes a strand of messy hair from my face. “thank you.”

“uhm, you’re welcome?” i rub my nape. “i’m sorry if i was a little too awkward to you, jonghyun. i don’t know, but i just felt like—”

he nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck and again, i try to relax my body, as though this is perfectly normal. then he wraps his arms around my waist, leads me to the bed and pulls me down onto the mattress.

we lie there in mild darkness, in silence, his chest pressed against mine, and his hands carding up my shoulders. despite how embarrassing it gets for me, we take time to stare into each other’s eyes. we smile, laugh and rejoice because it’s just lovely, being in this intimate position.

only then do i move to lie down next to him, eyes still fixed on him. he holds my fingers in his and kisses each knuckle gently. a shiver races down my spine as i squirm at the affection and squeeze our digits a little tighter.

“you okay?” his voice sounds deep and concerned that i feel a little bad. ugh, when will i stop fucking up?

i swallow the lump in my throat and nod sheepishly. “yes.”

“relax.” he laughs a little and presses his lips against mine for a mere second. “i just want to stay like this with you for a few more minutes.”

“likewise,” i say, licking my bottom lip as though to relish the lingering taste of him. it’s sickeningly sweet and i’m too much into this already. like, who would’ve thought a small gesture could mean a lot? it’s not making sense in a way, but you get the point.

///

as soon as we trudge out of his room, jonghyun puts me seated and advances himself to the kitchen as he heard me saying that i was a little hungry earlier. i tilt my head to the other side as i watch him rummaging through the fridge, wondering what he’s up to and what he’s gonna feed me considering that it’s getting a little too late in the midnight.

he only returns a few minutes later and places a tray on the coffee table. oh, wow. i gawk at the sight. there are two glasses of orange juice and a big plate of a sliced red velvet cake. this looks merrier than i thought it was going to be.

jonghyun looks at me with such hopeful eyes. “i hope leftovers are okay with you.”

i roll my eyes. “are you kidding me? this is wonderful!”

“really?” he asks and soon tells me that it was the last night’s leftover in which he bought the cake just because he was craving for it. little did he know that he couldn’t finish the cake all by himself. “i hope it still tastes better, though.”

“even if it tastes bad, who the hell cares?” i reach out to take a forkful of the cake and munch on it quietly. “it’s still lovely, jonghyun.”

“that’s good to hear.” a hum elicits from the sides of his lips before he joins in the session. it’s really a sight to see him eating happily as his eyes travel back and forth at me and the red velvet cake.

“you look so happy,” i murmur silently.

jonghyun flashes a warm smile at me. “you make me happy.”

“maybe.” i shrug and resume eating. i wonder if i look too casual that he thinks that i’m not taking him seriously. however, that’s not the case. i don’t want to look that i’m enjoying to bits. i’m just really.. self-conscious about myself and how i look in front of him. it’s probably weird, but i can’t let myself from not doing that.

“so when are you free?”

i raise a brow. “why?”

“cause i want to ask you out on a date,” he says. “taemin told me that i should go out with you a lot so that we could know each other better.”

“really?” i put down the glass and rub the back of my nape. “i thought you knew a lot about me already, though.”

he shakes his head, a small smile playing on his gorgeous lips. “too little than i thought i knew.” he sighs. “it sounds crazy, but i really would like to want to know more about you, taehyung.”

there’s a beat of silence; we look at each other without words. a shiver runs down my spine—as always—and i squeeze my fingers together into a jumpy grip.

“alright.” i bite the edge of my lip and manage a smile. “i think i’ll be free on monday?”

jonghyun’s face lits up. he looks genuinely happy. “great! i’ll plan something wonderful for our date.”

“i’m looking forward to it.”

“to meeting me again?” he winks. “kidding, but yes. it’ll be amazing, as always.”

“we’ve only gone out once, though—so how can it be ‘always’?”

“well, it doesn’t really matter,” he answers. “the fact that i can spend my time with you is what all matters. either face to face or phone calls and texts, i like being with you, taehyung. you’re adorable, sometimes clumsy and always full of charms. you’re different.”

i hold my breath at each word he utters. oh shit, i could feel how much of a blushing mess i’ve become.

he grins at me, as if he knows what i’m up to. so he continues, “right now, here with you, i feel like i can just be myself. not kim jonghyun. not always busy 24/7. not a leader. just you know... me.”

“in a way, i’m glad i make you feel.. at home.”

jonghyun seems a little surprised. “that has a nice ring to it,” he says and pats my shoulder. “you’re like my home, you know? a place i’ll return after a long, tiring day.”

“always?”

“always,” he repeats after me and our eyes meet as soon as we fall into a moment of sheer silence. everything stops moving but our fluttering hearts and the sounds of our breaths heaving in and out. this is beautiful—my beautiful kind of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for spending your time to read this piece of story! and also, major gratitude towards those people who have helped in making this story happen. ily <3

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written in ages so excuse me if it's boring or rusty or anything! this is what happened when you were too salty so you put your own experience into words lmao and yes, most of the scenes are based on real-life events. btw, this is totally a crackship, but jonghyun is such an angel y'all should stan him and support nu'est! <3


End file.
